


On The Subject Of Gender

by teardrops_on_ghostly_wings



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Crossdressing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderfluid Character, Genderqueer Character, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Napping, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, kinda crossdressing but not really, supportive anathema, zira is ready to fight literally anyone for his husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21877576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teardrops_on_ghostly_wings/pseuds/teardrops_on_ghostly_wings
Summary: Gender has always been a messy subject for Crowley and today is just one of those days
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 141





	On The Subject Of Gender

**Author's Note:**

> Rated as teen but could be considered mature at some points because there's some minor self harm near the start, a couple of sexual references and a lot of talk about gender issues and dysphoria

Gender has always been a problem for Crowley. Throughout the centuries he hasn't shied away from presenting as whichever gender makes his job easier. At some points in history the only way to gain respect and stay safe is to present as male but sometimes tempting is a million times easier when you appear female.

Angels and demons aren't supposed to have any kind of sex or gender. They were made to be pure beings of love and devotion for God, not made to reproduce like humans were. It's easy enough to change the way your corporation presents but not so easy to figure out your own mind.

Lately Crowley's been comfortable as male, especially after his 6 year stint as Nanny Ashtoreth. Presenting as a middle aged man has always had it's perks, allowing him to move around almost anywhere without notice or hindrance. Sometimes he desperately misses feeling more gentle and feminine though and can't help longing for it.

Today is decidedly one of those days. Crowley woke up feeling uncomfortable in his body and shouldn't shake the itch that something is wrong. After an unfulfilling morning of petty temptations and irritating humans he slouches to the bookshop. Aziraphale's always been good at deciphering the mess in Crowley's head so he should be able to make everything feel better.

When he walks through the door though he's annoyed to see Aziraphale with actual customers. He lurks in the shelves until Aziraphale successfully shoos them out without letting them get their hands on any of his precious books. The angel watches them walk away with a satisfied expression then flips the sign on the door to closed.

Aziraphale turns to his partner to ask whether he'd be interested in getting brunch but the words die on his lips. Crowley's trying to lean against a bookcase looking casual but can't hide the nervous energy oozing out of him. He can't stay still for more than a few seconds, constantly shuffling his feet and tugging at his clothes, eyes flitting everywhere except the angel.

Without waiting for the demon to say what's got him in a state Aziraphale marches over. With firm hands on Crowley's shoulders he leads the anxious demon into his back room and manhandles him onto the sofa.

Crowley feels a little more settled now but as soon as the angel stops touching him the itching under his skin returns. Unconsciously he starts scratching at his wrists, only stopping when Aziraphale comes back and grabs his hands. It takes a minute for Crowley's eyes to focus but when he sees the blood under his nails and fear in Aziraphale's eyes he feels terrible.

"Zira I... I... I'm sorry, I don't... I don't feel right" Crowley stutters out, cringing at the way he sounds. Even his voice sounds foreign and wrong but he can't work out why.

To stop anymore hurting himself Aziraphale pulls the demon into his lap and lets himself be smothered. Once as much of his body as possible is pressed to the angel Crowley can finally take a breath. He still feels horrible but the urge to rip himself to shreds lessens when he's wrapped in the angels warmth.

Gentle hands run over his shoulder blades, caressing the place his wings grow from. It's always been a sensitive area and draws a high pitched whimpers out of Crowley.

It's the first sound he's made that doesn't sound pained so Aziraphale relaxes slightly and keeps stroking the spot. The tension very slowly starts to seep out of Crowley's back so Aziraphale keeps working at him until the demon almost feels normal again.

"My love what's going on? What can I do to help you?"

"This, give me this"

"Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?"

"I woke up feeling wrong and I don't know what to do"

Aziraphale doesn't know quite what to make of that but he continues with his stroking of the demon since it seems to help. After thinking for a minute he comes up with an idea and leans in to peck Crowley's cheek "Do you need to shed darling? You've told me you start to feel like this when it's that time"

It seems like such a good answer but Crowley immediately shakes his head and tenses up again "I shed a couple of centuries ago angel and it never feels like this, I know it's not that, I can handle that"

"Ok darling I'm sorry, is there anything at all I can do for you? Sometimes me brushing your hair helps you relax, would you like that?"

Getting to spend half an hour between Aziraphale's legs having his hair played with has never failed to make Crowley happy before. This time though the demon shakes his head frantically and reaches up to tug at his hair "I hate it, I don't want this, I hate myself"

Gently Aziraphale coaxes the demons hands away from his beautiful short red hair. If he starts pulling it out it would only make the whole situation worse and put Crowley in even more pain.

Aziraphale's heard of humans, mostly teenage females, doing things with their hair when they're sad so maybe that would help. Cutting Crowley's gorgeous hair is the last thing the angel wants but helping his lover is more important.

With soothing hands Aziraphale reaches up to run a hand through the beautiful scarlet locks "Would cutting it make you feel better?"

The shriek of horror Crowley lets out can probably be heard across the country. Immediately he's pushing hard at Aziraphale's chest to try and get away, hands flying to his hair to protect it from the angel.

That idea was easily the worst one yet so Aziraphale returns his hands to the demons waist to stop him escaping "Ok darling ok, I won't do anything you don't want. What about if I help you grow it longer? You've had such beautiful long hair over the years and I know it always makes you happy"

Shockingly this idea gets the demon to go perfectly still. Aziraphale wasn't expecting anything except more protests so he's surprised but glad he finally found something.

When he runs a hand through Crowley's hair this time the demon finally makes a happy noise and sinks into Aziraphale. Feeling over the moon Aziraphale cradles his lover close and murmurs "That's what you want is it? Want to grow your hair together?"

All he gets is a nod so he lets Crowley gets his own hands into his hair. Using their combined power Crowley's hair quickly lengthens and it's only a few seconds before the copper strands reach his waist.

For the first time that day a shaky smile makes it's way across Crowley's face, lighting up the whole bookshop. Aziraphale has never felt so relieved in his life so he combs his fingers through it and tells Crowley how beautiful he looks.

By the time Aziraphale stops complimenting him, Crowley's half asleep and fully in love. All he can do is murmur "I love you angel" as he's picked up and carried to Aziraphale's bedroom. It never used to exist before they got together but as soon as Crowley made it clear he'd be staying the night they made a nice room together. It's covered in the angels signature tartan but is, in Crowley's opinion, the best place in the universe.

Hours later Crowley wakes up, still feeling the slight itch under his skin but feeling much more settled than the last time he woke up. Before he can even think, Aziraphale's angelic blond head pops into his field of vision with a shining smile "Good nap darling?"

Crowley answers with a little nod and lets himself be pulled into a chaste kiss before dragging himself out of bed. His clothes are wrinkled from the nap so he goes to miracle them clean then stops himself. The new hair around his waist feels so lovely and all he wants is to wear something to match but is scared.

Aziraphale's never done anything except love and accept him but this might be pushing things too far. The angel makes a conscious choice to portray himself as gay as possible so that must indicate his preferences too. Most of the company he's kept over the years has been sexually ambiguous young men, including Crowley.

There's not a chance that Aziraphale would ever be sexist in any way but he's never shown an interest in women. If Crowley starts presenting more feminine maybe the angel won't be attracted to him anymore, maybe he won't love Crowley anymore.

Oblivious to his lovers terror Aziraphale potters out of the room, presumably to make tea. Crowley watches him go then scrambles to lock the door and look at himself in the mirror. His long hair is beautiful and helps a lot but it's not quite enough.

With a nervous look around the room to make sure he's alone Crowley snaps his fingers and changes clothes. It's a look he's worn many times throughout the years but it always sends a thrill down his spine. The tight red dress creates the illusion of curves he doesn't have and flatters every inch of the demons body. Another subtle miracle changes his genitals to something more feminine, smoothing out the image and completing the look.

Everything falls away around Crowley and all he can do it admire himself. Finally he feels comfortable in his skin and can breathe properly. The female body feels so natural and right that he can't believe he didn't think of this earlier.

Crowley's so distracted by how beautiful he suddenly feels, that he doesn't hear the lock click on the door. Aziraphale expects to find the same messy puddle of demon in his bed as when he left but is pleasantly surprised.

Quietly the angel walks up behind his lover and wraps an arm around his waist. Crowley starts to stutter out apologies and raises a hand to change himself back but Aziraphale gently stops him. They both watch the demons reflection in the mirror until Aziraphale presses a kiss to his lovers cheek "You look so beautiful my love, is this what you needed?"

No answer is needed because the way Crowley's holding himself says everything. After the mess of this morning he finally looks happy and comfortable in himself which is everything Aziraphale hoped for.

When Crowley eventually finds his voice he sinks back into his lovers arms and whispers "Do you mind this? I'll change back if you want, if you hate it I'll never do it again"

That's quite possibly the stupidest thing Crowley's ever said which is quite impressive considering just how many stupid things he's said over the millennia. One look at Aziraphale's face quickly shuts him up as the angel runs his hands over Crowley's body over the dress.

"You look stunning my dear, I love you like this"

"You don't like women though, if I look like this we can't be together"

"Utter nonsense, I love you Crowley and I don't care what corporation you have. If you really think I'm such a selfish bastard that I won't love my husband just because they want to be my wife today, you must not know me as well as I thought"

"But... But you're gay"

"I most certainly am not, human's labels of gender and sexuality are quite frankly ridiculous and I won't be defined by them"

Aziraphale's making his no nonsense face so Crowley drops the issue with relief. The idea of getting introduced as Aziraphale's wife is enough to make him feel more comfortable in this body than ever before.

When Aziraphale sees his happiness at that he presses a kiss to his lovers lips and smiles "Would you like me to use female pronouns for you now?"

Crowley rolls that idea around him his mind for a while but it feels weird. He's pretty much always used male pronouns and hearing Aziraphale talk about him as if he's a real woman would be strange. Maybe some time they could try it but for now he'll stick to the way he's always been, just in a more feminine body.

Aziraphale seems a little confused by this but easily agrees to it, willing to do anything to keep Crowley in this new state of happiness.

They spend the rest of the afternoon engaged with their respective hobbies, Aziraphale reading and Crowley nursing the houseplants he left at the bookshop weeks ago. Eventually the angel finishes with his book and comes over to help with a particularly stubborn cactus that he'd violently over watered.

It's only when the sun starts going down that Aziraphale remembers something he meant to tell Crowley before his gender crisis. "Oh darling I meant to tell you before but that dear American girl Anathema invited us over for supper today. If you're not up to it I can phone to tell her something's come up"

Crowley waves his hands to encourage Aziraphale to keep talking while he hisses angrily at the cactus.

"Dear Anathema said her boyfriend Newton would be there as well as young Adam and his little gang. She promised to make a nice French dish which I was rather in the mood for this evening"

"You should go angel, spread some Heavenly influence on the little heathens"

"You don't want to come? Going alone would be rather embarrassing after they invited both of us my dear"

"I can't exactly show up looking like this and I don't know if I could handle another night looking male"

"Put on something slightly less revealing and you'll be fine, the children are at an age where not a lot would bother them"

Trying to explain humans closed minded view on gender to the angel has always been difficult. Aziraphale's had no problem not making an Effort through the years and presenting as relatively genderless. No matter how many times Crowley tried to reason with him he never saw a reason to conform to human constraints, regardless how necessary they may be. He's gotten better at it lately, making an Effort simply because he knows Crowley enjoys it but still doesn't understand the finer points of human gender.

Knowing Aziraphale isn't going to let this go Crowley makes a helpless noise and reaches for the angels hand "Human's don't understand gender like we do angel. All of our new friends met us as male and expect us to stay male so if I show up looking like this they'll be confused"

That's as simple as it's going to get without going into the mess of human societies. Crowley knows there's people like him who change gender or identify as different genders but they've never been treated well throughout history. It might be a new millennia but humans are still as small minded and hateful as always.

This doesn't seem to deter Aziraphale though because he pouts and runs a hand through Crowley's hair "Just because humans can be stupid sometimes doesn't mean they have to stay stupid my love. Adam and his friends are still young so we should teach them what gender really is, I must insist on this darling. Would you like it if I was female too to make it easier?"

Aziraphale has presented as female exactly once in the 6000 years of their friendship. The two of them hadn't seen each other in a while so when Crowley saw him looking like that he almost discorporated on the spot. They were across the room from each other at some silly 18th century English ball and Crowley couldn't look away all night. The angel looked so perfect with long blonde curls and a blush pink ball gown that it was almost like he was made for it. Afterwards Aziraphale said he'd hated the way it made people look at him and treat him so he'd never do it again but Crowley's never forgotten about it.

The fact Aziraphale's offering to do it again just to make Crowley comfortable is heartwarming but isn't right. As beautiful as his female form was, forcing him into a body that isn't really his would only hurt both of them.

With more confidence than he actually feels Crowley promises he's ok with going to supper. It'll be weird trying to explain it to everyone but not nearly as weird as it would be to try to change back to male now.

An hour later with Crowley in a much more modest black dress and Aziraphale in his signature suit, they miracle themselves to Anathema's cottage. The dear girl kindly took all the holy water and devils traps out of the house to make it less dangerous for the demon and former Antichrist.

They beat The Them here so let themselves in the front door, taking their shoes off after Aziraphale scolds Crowley. As nice as he looks in stilettos it would be a shame to ruin the cottage floor the first time they were invited there.

When the two of them walk into the kitchen Newt's mouth falls open when he sees Crowley. While he splutters in shock Anathema rushes over to pull Aziraphale into a hug then does the same to Crowley.

She tugs him close in order to whisper in his ear "You look amazing Crowley, if I knew you were going to show up looking so pretty I'd have tried a little harder with my own look"

That effectively gets rid of a lot of the tension from Crowley's shoulders. Knowing at least one person is totally ok with how he chooses to present himself makes everything a lot easier.

When Anathema pulls back she throws another jealous look at the demon before tugging at her shirt "You do realise we have to go shopping together now right? Now that I know how good your fashion sense is and what a babe you are there's no way for you to get out of it"

As strange as she is, Crowley would love more time with Anathema. She's one of the most open minded and intelligent humans he's ever met which will make her wonderful company. Plus she's goth enough to make her fashion advice worth caring about but also fun enough to make the whole thing a good experience regardless.

While Crowley starts scheming all the places he'd love to go it's Anathema, Newt's still spluttering in the corner. He manages to choke out "Isn't he-" before getting fixed with three death glares. Aziraphale's gearing up to fight for his husbands honour but Anathema just shakes her head at her boyfriend "Really Newton, are you not even going to ask about Crowley's pronouns?"

That incites more confused spluttering while Crowley's smile widens. "Still male pronouns for now, I have some things to work out currently but I'll let you know when it changes"

Anathema hurries to check on what she's cooking while Aziraphale pulls his husband somewhere more private. Crowley's female body really is beautiful and the angel can't resist him. They stay curled around each other on the living room couch until the sound of loud children is heard in the front lawn.

Crowley squeezes his husband tight for luck then they go to greet The Them. Pepper, Brian and Wensleydale barrel past them looking for Anathema but Adam stops to stare. After a second he smiles and wraps his arms around Crowley's waist. Crowley lets himself enjoy the hug for longer than he should then lets the boy go.

"Hey Antichrist, how's it been?"

"Really good Mr Crowley, I've been teaching Dog some tricks and I'm learning about stars at school, it's really cool"

"Well you know me and Zira were there when the stars were made so we're happy to help"

"That'd be awesome, are you two happy?"

"Very happy Adam, all thanks to you not letting the world end"

"You're welcome, also you look pretty"

He runs off to find where his friends got to, leaving the angel and the demon alone. Aziraphale pulls his lover into a long hug then smiles smugly "See I told you our little Antichrist wouldn't care how you looked, kids don't care about anything as long as they're fed and entertained"

They find the strange little gang in the kitchen carrying plates and cutlery to the table on Anathema's directions. After finding out Aziraphale had a fondness for French food she specially made coq au vin for them. The Them had gotten very excited at the idea of having wine, Anathema conveniently forgetting to mention all the alcohol cooks out of it.

Once everyone's settled at the table with full plates the conversation turns back to Crowley. The demon knew it was coming but still doesn't want to have to fully talk about it.

Newt hasn't said a word about any of it since they first arrived and Anathema doesn't quite know how to bring it up but the kids aren't so careful. While shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth Wensleydale says "So is Mr Crowley a lady now? Are you Adam's godmother?"

Again Aziraphale looks like he's ready to argue but Crowley puts a soothing hand on his wrist. As soon as the angel realised Crowley was having gender issues he was completely on board with it. Crowley's just trying to get through the day and feel good about himself but Aziraphale's gotten unnecessarily aggressive about the whole thing. They can't expect children to be very gentle about the topic but that doesn't seem to have changed the angels need to fight.

While drawing gentle circles on the palm of the angels hand Crowley tries to awkwardly explain himself. "I'm still Adam's godfather and I guess I'm still a man, I just want to dress more feminine. Nothing's changed I just feel slightly more like a woman lately and want how I look to reflect that"

The Them take a minute to think about this while inhaling more chicken then Brian says "My father says there's only two genders and everything else is millennial nonsense"

Almost before he finishes getting the sentence out Pepper cuts in with "Well MY mother says gender roles are just a tool of the patriarchy to further subjugate women and make us inferior. I think gender shouldn't be a thing so we can all do what we want without having to shave our legs and have babies"

No one quite wants to tell her that gender identity and gender roles are different so Crowley easily agrees. She's not quite getting it but the thought behind it is solid and he can't bring himself to tell her otherwise.

Adam, feeling a little left out nods and shares some of his own wisdom "I read about things like that in one of Anathema's magazines, you're one of those liquid gender people"

All the adults break down into laughter and Crowley manages to choke out "Gender fluid not liquid gender"

Adam nods happily and spears a piece of potato on his fork "Yeah that, like a clown fish"

That manages to change the topic while the kids argue with Anathema about the gendering of fish in Finding Nemo. The rest of the meal goes easily so Crowley and Aziraphale can retreat back to the couch while The Them run around outside.

Unlike usual when he's more feminine, Crowley didn't bother with makeup today. It feels a little weird to be bare faced but when Aziraphale starts kissing him he's never been more glad that he doesn't have lipstick. As pretty as the angel would look with his face, and various other body parts, smeared with lipstick, this isn't quite the right place for it.

The rest of the night goes peacefully but Crowley's still glad when they finally say their goodbyes and miracle themselves back to the bookshop. Being around their new friends can be great but when your head already isn't working right it can be hard to manage. 

Aziraphale doesn't bother asking how Crowley feels, simply taking his hand and leading him upstairs without a word. In the angels bedroom Crowley miracles himself into a nightgown then collapses into bed. Somehow even though he barely ever sleeps in it, the bed always smells like Aziraphale. All Crowley can do it clutch a pillow to his chest, breathing in the scent of his lover as he lets himself drift off to sleep. 

Once the demons asleep Aziraphale gently rearranges him so that his neck won't be sore in the morning then heads downstairs to do a little stocktaking. As nice as it would be to read in bed with Crowley in his lap, there are more productive things to be done and Crowley deserves some alone time. Hopefully when he wakes up he'll feel better and they can have a good long chat about what's going on in Crowley's head and what they're going to do about it. 


End file.
